Where Shopping is a Pleasure

I hate shopping. I don’t mean, I don’t like it, I really hate it. It is one of the only things in life I can say that I really hate. In fact, other than spiders, I can’t think of another thing I hate more. It isn’t just one thing either; it is the whole concept of shopping. If I had my way, I would never shop again. In my opinion, putting the words shopping and pleasure in the same sentence is an oxymoron. It is like jumbo shrimp. They just don’t go together.

Like I said there is so much not to like but the worst part is defiantly the check out ordeal. Last night, we went to Walmart. If Walmart isn’t bad enough, ours is a Super Walmart. For anyone that hasn’t had the pleasure of shopping in a Super Walmart, let me give it to you in a nutshell. There is nothing SUPER about it. You take a Walmart, jam 10 times the stuff in it, add groceries and then funnel everyone into the same number of checkout isles. It is a living hell I tell you. Ok so here is my problem with the checkout stations.

About 10 years ago, every store in the world started a competition to see who could have the most checkout isles. Walmart is the winner. This store has over thirty in the front including 4 speed lanes and 4 self server lanes. They have checkout at the pharmacy, at the optometry, the garden department, film department, sporting goods and automotive. You can even place your Mcdonalds order while checking out. (they have an in store Mcdonalds) Sounds great doesn’t it. So what is the problem you might ask? Last night there were only two regular isles open and one speed lane. We picked the shortest lane which only had 6 people in it so we were able to check out in ONLY 45 minutes. There were thirty people in the speed lane by the way. Ok retailers, here is a clue. It doesn’t do any good to have 50 checkout isles if you only open three at a time.

I think when you get down to the basics of shopping it reveals why I hate it so much. It is people that “want” and are willing to pay for it. Not only that they are willing to wait for it too. They aren’t however willing to pay full price so they search and hunt until they find a great bargain and they wait for it. It’s Greed. No it is Evil Greed I tell you. I don’t know what Walmart’s slogan is but it should be:

“Walmart….It’s cheep and you want it. What’s an hour wait anyway.”

This past weekend, we had the Pleasure of visiting another of my favorite stores. Lowes. (insert evil music) The problem with Lowes (other then the before mentioned checkout issue) is that there is no one to help the customers. If you are lucky enough to find an employee, chances are they won’t have a clue about what you ask them. And don’t ask for help loading or unloading. Loses hires old and crippled people. Now before you stone me, I think it is great that someone hires people over 80 and people confined to a wheelchair but at a lumber store? Come on now Lowes, wake up.

Ok so I go to Lowes. I find the lumber I need and load it myself (with the help of my wife who has a bad back) While we are loading the 1200 lbs of lumber on the cart, numerous employees walk by but no one offers to help. After I get loaded I notice back in the “dust and spider” section some similar lumber. It is the same boards we just loaded but the normal grade. These were the contractor grade. $$$$$$. The others are 3 dollars a board less or about 100.00 total. So we go load the other board and leave the first ones where they were. Again, no one helps us. Then it’s off to “checkout hell” with the lumber.

After checkout, we go to load our lumber ourselves. By now, my arms are numb from lifting the 2400 lbs of lumber but I got to do what I got to do so I begin loading. As luck would have it, I am blocking the entrance so an employee who is collecting carts is forced to help me. After loading only a few boards another employee comes out and tells the first one that he is needed inside. E1 tells E2 to finish helping me load so he reluctantly does. When we were about finished I asked him to get me a flag for the lumber but he refused saying that they weren’t allowed to flag the lumber but I could help myself to the flags and string. I guess is some legal issue but getting sued would be better than that butt whopping this guy was going to get if my lumber gets hit while driving home. So here is my slogan for Lowes:

“Lowes, for the do it yourselfer, the find it yourselfer, the load it yourselfer. Lets face it, you do it, we only charge you for it.”

So last night, I have this fantasy about Lowes. I am loading my lumber and the same person again refuses to flag my lumber. So I go get the flags. Not one, not two but several hundred. I have them all over the lumber and truck. Then I get the string and tie up the lumber. But I “forget” to cut the string. Instead I drive off with the string still attached. The string is whirling out of the box and making a whistling sound as I hit 50 mph. It is coming out so fast that all the employees can do is watch what is going on. Finally I return to the parking lot where I string it from one end to the other like a giant spider web. All the time I am laughing my evil laugh and in the end they lock me up for going crazy.

This is getting way too long so I better get off my soapbox.
Have a SUPER day but no shopping please.

Greg