Friday, February 27, 2009
Sticks and stones.
My mother always told me: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.” This may be true from a physical standpoint but so wrong from a mental angle. I was picked on all through school and to this day I carry the mental scars. It changed me and shaped me into what I am today. Some people argue that since I am basically a good person and successful, those scars didn’t hurt and perhaps strengthened me. But I have to wonder if perhaps I was meant for greater things and because of what happened in my early years, I never reached my full potential. I will never know.
As a responsible parent, I try to teach my children right from wrong. I have always taught them the Golden rule.
The Golden rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.
No that isn’t it.
How about “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Yes, That’s it.
Sadly, that first golden rule seems to be more prevalent these days. So while I teach my children to be good citizens and functioning members of a God fearing society, I wonder what other parents are teaching their children. I am afraid it’s things like; “it’s not wrong if you don’t get caught” and “you don’t get anywhere in life by being nice”. In fact I know it’s true. I can see it all around me.
The other day, here at work we had an interesting discussion during lunch. The news came in that someone who we work with had just caught a 10 lb largemouth bass in one of the plant ponds. For anyone that doesn’t do a lot of fishing, that is an impressive largemouth bass. However I know for a fact that this person doesn’t have a freshwater fishing license. Company policy says that to fish on company property you need to follow all state regulations which means that you must have a license.
So I made the comment that if anyone needed a little bailout money, all then needed to do was call “1-800 game thief” and they could collect the reward for turning in a poacher. You wouldn’t believe the looks I got. So we got into a discussion about breaking the law and it came down to these reasons why it is ok for this guy to fish without a license;
It isn’t like this is a real crime. The guy is just fishing.
Everyone does it so it is ok.
There are really plenty of fish out there.
There are too many laws anyway and this is a stupid one.
It’s just like speeding. If you don’t get caught, it isn’t breaking the law.
It was all I could do to keep quiet when one guy made that last statement, I wanted to say; “So if someone breaks into your house takes all your things and rapes your daughter, it isn’t a crime if he doesn’t get caught?” But I let it go. Alas I could tell I was out numbered and I remembered rule #1. Never argue with a fool, people might forget who is who. Then the bell rang and lunch was over. Saved by the bell.
So what are you teaching your children? Are they having a hard time fitting in if they try to live by the golden rule? Just wondering if we are along on this issue.
Have a great day,
Thursday, February 26, 2009
That’s right, Gold prices are at their highest level in years and if you are selling, “Cash for Gold” is buying. All you have to do is call the number on your screen and we will send you a handy return envelope. It is safe, reliable and easy. Simply put your unwanted or broken Gold in the envelope and return it to us and we will send you back cash.
Desperation is at its highest level in years. So if you have gold and you are desperate enough to put it in a marked envelope and send it through the mail where hundreds of people will have the opportunity to steal it, and by chance we do get it, we will send you back a fraction of what it is worth. It’s as simple as that. Count me in.
Invest in Gold. Yes it is true that Gold prices are at their highest level ever and the prediction is that they will go even higher. This prediction however comes from the same person who said that the Dow would never go below 10,000 again and then changed that number to 8,000 and then 7500 and is now saying 7000. I predict that it may go below 7000 today so if you want to invest some of your money, sent it to ME and I will get rid of it invest it for you. You may not become wealthy, but I might and doesn’t that give you a nice warm feeling to know that you did something nice for me? Just kidding.
So about that Gold rush…... Have you heard the news? California, which just happens to be the Golden State, is going to legalize marijuana. That’s their solution to the money crisis. By legalizing it, they can tax it and the state will get out of debt. Wow, now why didn’t I think of that? But why stop there Governor Arnold. Why not legalize prostitution as well and that way you can tax it. And here is a good idea for you. Why not sell day passes to illegal aliens from Mexico so that they can come to California and work for pennies? You could have them bring the Acapulco Gold in for you, let them work for almost nothing and then send them home at the end of the day. Talk about a “Bail” out opportunity. We will call it the “California Bail In plan.”
“Eureka I found it.”
Did you know that “Eureka I found it” is the California motto? Back in the 50’’s they wanted to have a state motto and someone suggested “In God we trust”. However the state legislature decided to go with Eureka I found it instead of In God we Trust in recognition of the California Gold Rush. So what they said was Gold was more important to them than God. And that my friends is what is wrong with California and for that matter America. We need a spiritual bailout plan, not a financial bailout plan.
Have a Golden Day,
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Now allow me to get on my soapbox for just a brief moment. I promise not to dwell on this but sometimes something gets said and it just hits me the wrong way. And instead of letting it fester like a bad sore, I am going to just clear the air and get it off my chest so that it doesn’t affect my blogging. I know you were all concerned.
Ok last evening on the news, a reporter was raving about what a great speaker President Obama is. She cited three reasons for this. First he uses two Teleprompters when he gives a speech. Second, he gives “from the heart” speeches. And lastly, he really gets the crowd behind him when he speaks. Please hear me out, I will be brief.
How does using two Teleprompters make you a great “Speaker”? It doesn’t. It means you are a great reader so I will give him that. President Obama is a great reader. See I am kind even to people I don’t particularly like.
If these speeches were from the heart, then he wouldn’t have to read them. He would be able to stand there and tell it like it is. By having to write the speech in advance, it is saying just the opposite. A good speaker only needs an outline or notes. Also, I bet he gets help with writing the speeches. Not that there is anything wrong with that it’s just that if the speeches are from the heart I would have to ask: Who’s heart?
Ok about the crowd being behind him. If he gave the same speech over and over, I would be impressed but he didn’t. He went to a location where the home foreclosure rate was the highest in the nation and spoke about home owner bailouts. He went to a place where there was the highest population of gays in the nation and spoke about gay rights. He went to Detroit and spoke about the need for stronger Unions. Of course the crowd was behind him. He picked the crowd.
Now just for a moment, let’s imagine that he switched the locations by mistake. Suppose he talked with Union leaders about gay rights and how they would have to make sure the unions protected gays. Suppose he talked with gays rights activists about how he would bail out the home owners when they came to hear about gay rights. And suppose he went to the third location, which is predominantly non union and spoke about how we need to strengthen the unions. Do you think the crowd would have cheered or booed? You know the answer. He didn't pick the crowd last night. Did he get 100% support?
I think he is smarter than I originally gave him credit for. What about that ploy to get the Senators, Congressmen and Governors involved in the save the USA project. Focus groups? "You have until the end of the day to come up with solutions?" And to ask Senator McCain to go first was priceless. Put your ex-opponent on the spot to make him look bad. Outstanding Mr. President. Way to show your true side. Of course he was taking a slight chance when asking Senator McCain what he came up with to help the economy. Wouldn’t it have been a hoot if he said; "Step down and let me take over."
Ok I am done. We now return to our regularly scheduled blogging. I am in a good mood today by the way. But then that is usually the case. I hope this post didn't offend anyone. But then the truth should never offend anyone.
Have a great day,
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I heart/hate clowns. (circle one)
The funny thing about clowns is….. (sometimes I crack myself up) people either love them or hate them. They seem to be one of those things where few people are down the middle. People say I am a clown most of the time. There are several reasons for that. First off, I am a huge optimist. You know how people are either a “glass is half empty or full” type? Well I take it a step further. I am more of a “wow, I have a glass and there is something in it” kind of person. I almost always look for (and find) a bright side to everything. Because of that, I am more times than not, a happy person. And because I am a happy person I am almost always smiling. And that is why people usually either love me or hate me.
For some reason a lot of people out there hate when someone is happy. They look at the dark side of everything so my smile really makes them angry. I often get the comment “Why are you so darn happy?” I like to come back with; “things could always be worse” or “I am happy to be alive” or the one that really irks them; “I am just happy to be here with all of you”. And then I smile. I am going to do an experiment. I have a meeting to go to in 15 minutes and I will put on my best smile. (I have a lot of things to smile about) I will come back and post the results. I am predicting that maybe 1 out of the 12 people in the meeting will smile back and I will get 3 or 4 snide comments. Be Right Back.
And here is what happened; There were only 10 people at the meeting today. I walked in with a big smile on my face and no one wanted to make eye contact with me. I guess they know I am happy and didn’t want it to rub off. I did catch two people smiling for a brief moment but by the end of the meeting everyone was down. Way down. You would have thought it was a funeral. These people are getting paid big bucks to sit in a meeting and discuss things. Ok, so where was I? Oh yes, clowns.
So where does this clown love/hate relationship come from. I think it stems back to our childhood. Clowns could very well be the earliest form of child abuse. I mean a parent puts this clown in a baby’s room and it just sits there staring and smiling with that smug little grin. You can talk to it, curse it, hit it but it still just smiles. It really is creepy. Have you seen the e-trade commercial where the little kid rents a clown with all the extra “coin” he made using e-trade? He gets it thinking It will be cool and then it scares him because he underestimated the creepy factor? That about sums up my feelings.
Then you throw in a movie like Poltergeist and we are scared for life. Remember that scene? The storm is approaching and the little kid is in bed. He looks over and the evil clown is sitting there in the chair and he sees it every time lightening flashes. Because he is scared, he gets under the covers and he would have been safe but Noooooooo he has to look. And when he looks, guess what? No Clown. Now at this point, everyone knows where the clown is so why doesn’t he? Why do they insist on looking under the bed when they are scared? Of course when he looks under the bed, the clown is there and it grabs him.
So there you have it. I like happy people but I hate clowns. And I am not alone. I hear Cannibals don’t like them either. They say they taste funny.
Have a nice day.
Monday, February 23, 2009
I have had writers block before but this is different. I think this would be called Writers Overload or TMI. Sometimes I get Writers Block where I can’t think of anything to write about on here but right now my head is full of topics and I just can’t decide which topic to write about. (I am trying to stick to my only positive post policy) Is that crazy or what? I guess I could always just get started and see where it ends. Ok let me try that.
Yellow Spandex pants, Size triple X; 10.00
Spiked heels; 20.00
Red see-thru blouse; 15.00
Putting it all together at the Flea Market; Priceless
Oscar night….I can’t believe that the best movie of the year was something called “Slumdog Millionaire” Someone at the Oscars made the comment (in all seriousness): “It’s all about money”. Not in my book. Did anyone out there actually see this movie?
Deer report; There everywhere, there everywhere. Calling all hunters. Report to Wadmalaw ASAP.
Diet report; Stalled. I am still working out though and that is good but the pounds refuse to leave.
Weather report; Warm weather is on the way. Time to plant. Free veggies for Bloggers. I don’t deliver.
Blog report; Something strange is happening and I haven’t figured it out yet. Sometimes it isn’t all there. Sounds like me.
Income tax report; If anyone has a child that they aren’t reporting, I could use another deduction. I will take good care of them and will return them after I get my deduction.
Bible report; I am still reading daily. I am up to Colossians. Moving along.
Final thought for the day;
Philippians 2: 14 Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.
Funny how good advice is timeless.
Have a great day,
Friday, February 20, 2009
I am working on a great post or at least something with a little more sustenance but it’s Friday and I deserve a break today. You remember that old slogan: You deserve a break today, so get up and get away to……… Mc Yuckies, or something like that.
Well I found this meme over at Kelly’s blog so I thought I would do it to maybe stimulate my brain. So without further ado, here we go:
5 Things Found In My Bag:
Ok I don’t have a bag but if I did, I guess it would be a man bag and I think I would like it to be leather. If you have a man bag with a Harley emblem on it, does that make it manly? So If I did have a manly man bag with a Harley emblem on it, this is what I would carry in it:
Gum (your breath can never be too fresh)
Knife (just in case anyone said something negative about my man bag)
Reading glasses (I can never seem to find mine when I need them)
Chapstick (got to take care of the lips)
All those spare keys that I don’t seem to know what they are for
5 Things Found In My Wallet:
Piggly Wiggly Card
Business cards (for people I will never call)
Cash (It’s all about the Washingtons Bay-be)
5 Things Found In My Room: (other than furniture)
Pictures of my family
Souvenirs from Mexico
Container full of marblesOld Navy uniforms (that have all shrunk)
5 Things I’ve Always Wanted To Do:
Go back to Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco
See the Grand Canyon and Mount Rushmore
Live to a healthy old age, and die peacefully in my sleep
Write a book that gets published.
Catch a sailfish and let it go
5 Things I’m Currently Into:
Reading the Bible
This was easy because a lot of Kelly’s answers were the same as mine. So play along if you want. Have a great weekend, and thanks for visiting.
Have a great day,
Thursday, February 19, 2009
This morning, I heard on the news that some people were not so fortunate in this storm. To our south, it left a path of destruction. So please take a moment of your day to pray for those whose lives were touched in this storm.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
My sitemeter has indicated an influx of new viewers to my blog. At first I thought it was people wanting a Psychic reading (see last post) but then reality set in and I discovered that this wasn’t the case. No I really am not a Psychic. The only lottery numbers I can guarantee you are LAST night’s numbers if you are interested. Maybe you can convince a lottery salesperson that you really meant to buy that lottery ticket yesterday and he will backdate the ticket. Yea like that’s going to happen.
So where are these visitors coming from? After a lengthy investigation I discovered that they are coming from a recent article in "Time Magazine." The article is about the movie “The Notebook”. Now if you have been with my for a while you know that the plantation house where Noah lived in The Notebook is right around the corner from where we live. And you also may know that my wife and I got married in that house. I have posted several photos on my blog of that house. So obviously after reading this article people are searching for more information on “Noah’s house” and they are finding my blog. You gotta love the internet.
I actually have a funny story about that house and what happened during the filming of The Notebook.
During the filming the stars parked about a block from my house and took a shuttle up the dirt road to the big house. This road was called Yellow House Road. It was named this because the house on the corner is yellow. No mystery there. This house too had a famous owner but that is another story. I live on Bears Bluff Road, right around the corner from Yellow House Road. And no I have never seen a bear anywhere in this road although there are a few deer (see previous entry). They were filming during the winter but they took a break around Christmas time so that the stars could spend Christmas with their families.
About a week after Christmas, a woman showed up at my door saying that she had something she thought belonged to us. My wife followed her to her car and there in the back was a package with our name on it. Coming from the package was a horrendous smell like something inside was dead. Apparently, this package had been delivered to the plantation house (Noah’s house) and since no one was home, left there on the porch in the hot sun. Because the filming had stopped over the holidays, this package sat there for about three weeks. I can see where the UPS delivery man may have been confused because Yellow House Road and Bears Bluff Road both have the word "Road" in them. Yea right!
Anyway, this package was from the Chesapeake Bay Seafood Company. Not good. It was an exceptionally warm December and January and I am guessing that the dry ice that the contents were packed in, melted in about two or three days. We didn’t need to open the package to know that what was inside was spoiled. It smelled so bad that we took down the package information and then threw the box in the dumpster unopened. UPS didn’t want to reimburse us for the lost goods saying that it wasn't their fault, but the Seafood Company gladly sent us another package. It was a Christmas present from my sister and after about a week, we got some fresh crab cakes. They were great too by the way.
After scrubbing the deck where the package sat for three weeks, people were again able to approach the house without getting sick so filming resumed.
So if you are watching the movie "The Notebook" and detect a slight fishy smell, you now know where it is coming from.
Have a great day,
Monday, February 16, 2009
But here is the part that really scares me. Saturday night, I had a dream about a submarine accident. Sunday morning, I told my wife about it which is why she told me about the accident this morning when she called. So I went on line just now to see if I could get some facts and yes it was true. And the strange thing is that they didn’t break the story until this morning. Does this mean I am psychic? I have always thought that I was a little Psychic. I sometimes have dreams that parallel what happens in real life but I don’t know if maybe I just saw something already and I just didn’t know it. Maybe I should be a psychic.
“Greg Psychic Reader and Advisor”
That does have a nice ring to it. Maybe I will save that as a backup plan.
I have always wanted to visit a Psychic. Just for fun of course. Here is what I would do. I would go in and use a canceled credit card to pay. Then if they take it, I would know they were a fake. However if they handed me the card back and said it was no good, then I would know they were real and pay with cash. I am not sure what I would want to know though. Perhaps something really important like who is going to win on American Idol this year? Or did that Dingo really take that baby? Yes I would waste it on something stupid like that.
So maybe I could start this service right here in Blogland. Now I have to go and see if there are any Psychic readers already on here. Be right back.
Just kidding, I already knew I was on the cutting edge here but I just wanted to make double sure. That’s kind of like when you know you are right but you keep quiet just in case you are wrong. (not that this happens to me) I already knew that no one else was offering this service (because of my psychic powers) but I looked anyway.
So here is how this will work. If you have a question about something that has been bothering you, just ask away and I will give you the answer. Well after you send me 100.00 that is. I don’t know how much this usually costs but since I am doing it on here and you have the option of staying in your jammies, inside your warm house, I figure that's worth something. Now I am not saying I will be accurate but I will give you an answer. And if your question is too personal (for instance; (Does the IRS know you cheat on your taxes) you can email me with your question.
But wait…..The first 25 answers will be free just to show my amazing powers.
Wait, I am getting something here. Someone is reading this and thinking Greg is off his rocker, Greg is a nut, Greg has lost it this time. See how good I am?
Does anyone out there really believe in Psychic’s? Just curious. Wait, I know the answer to that.
Have a great day.
(I knew I was going to write that)
I am good!!!!!!
Friday, February 13, 2009
We have been together through good times and bad and I am happy to say that most of the times were good. We got off to a rocky start though when I tried to kill her by pulling her skiing across an oyster bar. She recovered though and was able to limp to her bridal shower.
And only a short time later, she was healed enough to put her shoes on so that we could get married. I thought for a while that she would have to go barefoot at our wedding. Don't we make a great looking couple?
This is inside Noah's house. (from the Notebook movie)
Over the years, I wasn’t always the best husband but I did manage to kill a few snakes for her. We found this one in our back yard.
She always impressed me with her ability to play sports. She could hit a softball further than anyone I know and she still plays tennis. Of course she had the best softball coach ever which didn't hurt.
She stood beside me though my Navy years and supported me every time I reenlisted and when I decided to retire.
She didn’t complain when I bought her that cast net for her birthday although she never let me forget it either. (Bad choice guys if you are considering this) And I really don’t think that women want anything like this for Valentine’s Day either:
However since I mentioned Teddies, there is that place in the mall that specializes in them and that’s no “SECRET”.(wink wink). :)
Happy Valentine’s Day Honey.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
So there I was watching a dog show and out comes, you guessed it, a poodle. The hair stood up on the back of my neck as it pranced around and shook its fuzzy little tail. That was my number one pick for last place. No doubt it had to be last. This isn’t that poodle but you get the picture.
I am happy to say that the hounds did well and the winner was some kind of short legged spaniel that I have never seen before. I think his name was stumpy or pudgy or some other fitting name. I couldn’t believe that he won but I am glad he did. Here he is:
Now here is the best part about Stumpy winning. He was the oldest dog in the field and was 10 years old. That is 70 in dog years. Along with that, he had a brush with death a few years ago but miraculously recovered. So here is what it boils down to. The top dog for this year is a short, overweight, over 70 year old dog that most of us couldn’t name if we had to. There is hope for my future. And for those of you still wanting Change, here ya go:
Oh I almost forgot. I got an award from Carmen and here it is. Please visit her and read all about it. It is the Friendship award. Thank you so much Carmen. I like to think I am a friend to everyone.
Have a great day,
Monday, February 9, 2009
Today started out well enough. I woke up early and was feeling pretty good. I got ready to go to the gym, made a cup of coffee and headed out with a granola bar in hand. All was perfect until I got about a mile down the road. Remember that buck I hit yesterday that didn't do any damage but scared the poo out of me and him? Well today his wife gave it a try.
Today though I was driving my little Honda and not the full sized truck. I was doing about 50 mph when I saw her coming. Unlike the buck the day before, this doe was in a high speed run and heading right for me. I swerved into the other lane in an attempt to miss her but she was determined so she dove in the air right at me. I do mean dove too. She had her legs tucked and looked like Rudolph pulling Santa's sleigh. The swerve that I made may have saved my life because instead of hitting the front passenger side door she hit head on (literally into the rear passenger side window. Now in case you are wondering, obviously a doe's head is harder that tempered glass because she came in. The glass immediately shattered and scattered all over the inside of the car and I could hear some thumping right behind me. That's right the doe came right in the back seat for a moment before getting slung back out.
From what we could tell, based on the deer hair, her head was right behind mine before she managed to escape. I came to a stop sideways in the other lane and after checking to make sure I was alive, turned to see where the deer was. I imagined having to drag the body from the road but guess what? She was gone. The darn thing ran off before I could get her insurance information. Some nerve. I drove back home and got the truck and went to work.
The good news is I am ok and there is very little damage other than the window. I decided not to have any body work done because the ding was so small and the window is totally covered. So in two days, I will have a new window. Until then, I am driving my truck. I am thinking about taking the bumper off and installing one of those 2 X 12"s that are so popular here in the south. That way you don't have to worry about hitting the deer, you just have to worry about what to do with them after you hit them. And to think I was going to give up hunting. Not now, I have a score to settle with Bambi.
I had to take the afternoon off to get my car in the shop so I will catch up on all your blogs tomorrow.
Have a great day and eat more venison.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Well we decided to try the old flea market today. Not the nice one in downtown Charleston were we go during the summer. No this one is in Ladson SC and the clientele is....Ummmmm how do I say this nicely.......well they have less teeth. That doesn't sound too bad. And a few of them may have fleas. Now that is bad but sadly true.
Our day started out with a bang. Literally. We were about 5 miles from home and up ahead, we saw some deer crossing the road. I slowed down.....way down. I was only going around 10 mph when I got to where they crossed. Just then my son shouted; "Watch out".
I had already seen it coming and had started hitting the breaks. It did no good though because a buck ran out of someones driveway and right into my truck, hitting the right front panel. I came to a stop and then backed up to get the deer off the road but guess what. He was already gone. I guess I was going slow enough and it didn't hurt him or the truck. Whew that was a close one.
We got to the flea market and it was still dark. The moon was full and I made a comment to my son that there was something peaceful about seeing a "full moon over the flea market. Little did I know that it wouldn't be the last full moon I would see this day. And that wouldn't be the worst thing I would see either.
The sales started out pretty slow so I decided to take a few photos. Now down at the nice Market, people don't mind having their picture taken. However at this market, people seemed to be uncomfortable having their picture taken and they also didn't like having photo's taken of the things they were selling. I started taking a few photos but I started hearing complaints so I figured I better knock it off. I did capture a few photos.
Did you ever wonder what happened to all those unadopted cabbage patch dolls? Well here they are. I remember people fighting for them when they first came out. Now these "wonderful" dolls are selling for $10.00. It hardly seems fitting.
Now if you are looking for a suit of armor this is the place to shop. Well that is if you are three feet tall. I had trouble passing this antique up, especially with Valentines day only a week away. Maybe it will still be here next year.
Old shoes anyone? I have never seen so many used shoes as there are at this market. The Feds took all the new ones yesterday. More on that later.
Now I am not sure if this guy is asleep or dead but either way, his stuff isn't selling.
Now the one bright spot during the entire day was when the Air Force cargo planes started flying over. The Flea Market just happens to be along the approach lane for the Air Force base. These things always amaze me because they look to heavy and slow to fly.
Ok now those with weak stomachs may not want to continue reading. The comment about the full moon I made earlier... Well this big guy, No huge guy. No hugemongus guy decides to bend over right in front of us and you guessed it, Full moon. I think we saw 5 or 6 full moons today. Here is a fashion tip. If you are overweight. Low rider jeans don't look attractive on you. I am sorry. That is a fact of life. I am not making fun of overweight people but please dress responsibly. Oh and if you are that blond girl with the back/bottom tattoo. Honey, it isn't working for you. Please consider covering it up.
Now usually there are new Nike tennis shoes on sale out there for $20.00 and CD's for $5.00. Sound too good to be true? Well it was. It seems that the tennis shoes were fakes and the CD's were pirated. There was a big bust yesterday and the Fed's confiscated $60,000 worth of illegal merchandise. Wow I miss all the action.
So where do the fleas come into play you might ask. Well a couple of people actually live right there at the market. They sleep in their cars and just wake up and start selling. No bath, no shower, no washing up. Just let the dirt fall where it may. Kind of gross I know but at least they are doing something. I will give them that. Just remember to bring some wet wipes with you if you go.
Have a great day,
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Yes, Valentie's Day is just around the corner and don’t be fooled like I once was into believing that the statement; “let’s not get anything for each other” really means how it sounds. They say that just to test you and if you do fall for it, you failed. Failing this test is like the groundhog seeing his shadow only it means an entire year of cold if you get my drift.
Now most of us like to think "practical gifts" but Valentine,s is no time to be practical. This is the one holiday that you only get one shot at. I know a gift like this seems like the right thing to give:
But take it from me. Anything that has to do with cleaning is a big no no as far as Valentine’s day presents go.
Also on the practical side, are gifts that you yourself might get some use out of. For instance:
I know, who wouldn’t love one of those beauties but for some reason women don’t like them.
So where does that leave us? Same old same old gifts; Candy, Flowers, Cards, Teddy bear, Naming a star after her? Hmmmmm that last one gave me an idea. And since I am determined to make a Million Dollars this year, I have developed that lame idea into something super spectacular.
Let’s face it. Stars are millions of miles away, and some of them have already burned out (or so they say). That’s like giving her a burned out lightbulb for a present. You know how big that would go over. No I have a much better idea and here it is. (drum roll please)
You could name a squirrel after her. That’s right, a squirrel. Think about it. What is more cute and cuddly than a little grey squirrel? Forget about the fact that they are rodents. Look how cute this one is:
So here is how it works. You send me: not $100, not $50 but only $29.95 plus shipping and handling of course and I will name a squirrel after your loved one. In addition to naming the squirrel after her, I will send along a lovely photo like this:
But wait. You also get this certificate of authenticity.
So don’t delay. Act today. Send me money. The love you save may be your own.
No squirrels were harmed in the making of this add. Please allow one week for delivery. Void where prohibited by law. Not valid in areas where there are no squirrels. Please be kind to animals even if they are rodents. And have a great day,
PS: ladies, if you are still reading this, shame on you. But no need to thank me. Just call me Cupid.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
25 million dollars for a one year contract to PLAY baseball and he turns it down. And the icing on the cake is that this guy isn’t even from America. He came here to play baseball. He wanted to play baseball or so it seemed. I guess he really came to America to make money. Sports figures have a lot of nerve in my opinion. Let’s face it. Manny Ramirez has a batting average of .332 which means that almost 70% of the time he fails in his job. Take that kind of record back to your job and see how long they keep you much less offer you 25 Million to stay on for a year.
I have heard several arguments for why these “super athletes” should get so much money. The first is that they only produce for a few years compared to regular people who have an income for 25 to 35 years. The other way to look at it is that these guys (and girls) only HAVE to work for a few years. If they are smart and bank even a small portion of their money, they can live out the rest of their lives with more than most of us working people. Wait, I feel better. I just did the math on this one and if I work for 200 years at my current salary, I can make as much as Manny could in one year if he were to accept this paltry offer. I don’t blame him a bit now.
Now the second argument for them making so much money is that they are held to a higher standard than the rest of us, being that they are constantly in the spotlight. In fact our children idolize many of them and often aspire to one day be just like them. That’s right, our children look up to these super heroes. And I have to say that they do a great job up there on that pedestal which makes paying them millions of dollars the right thing to do. Can I hear it for Michael Vick, Michael Phelps, Kobe Bryant and the other excellent examples out there? Way to go guys. Way to set a great example for our children.
Ok I feel better now. I will post something humerous tomorrow.
Have a great day,
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Well the next morning, when I headed out for work, the talk station was selected on my radio so I listened in. It was 4 am and I have to tell you that if you think talk radio is interesting later in the day, you really need to listen in at 4 am. That morning’s topic was (you guessed it), Aliens. Now I know that there are people out there who think that Aliens exist and I am not going to argue that point one way or another but this show went “One Step Beyond”. Remember that show, I loved it. Anyway, this talk show went so far as to suggest that the Aliens aren’t only here observing us, they are actually interacting and changing things here on earth. It was frightening.
This woman was on the air testifying about her alien experience. As I listened intently, I prayed that she wouldn’t talk about probing or anything like that which seems to be a favorite thing these alien spotters like to discuss. Thankfully she left that part out but she did talk about the sightings that she witnessed that faithful night from her trailer window. It seems that the “Mother ship” landed not far from her house. After landing, a door opened and two saucer- like spaceships went out and caused havoc in the small towns that were nearby. After 4 or 5 hours, (which coincidently is about the same time that it takes to sober up from a good whiskey drunk), the saucers returned and the Mother ship left. But what did they do here on earth you might ask?
Here is where my theory takes over. They are stealing our children and taking their brains. Now don’t freak out on me here. The good news is they are only borrowing the brains. They will return and give them back. I wouldn’t believe it either but my son was one of the victims. Thankfully they did return his brain. And here is the proof:
At the beginning of the second week of school, my youngest son returned home at the end of the day. The conversation went like this:
Me: How was your day?
Me: Well let’s get your homework done and then you can watch TV
Him: I don’t have any, so can I watch TV now?
Me: No homework at all?
Him: No, so can I watch TV?
Me: I can’t believe that the second week of school, none of your teachers gave any homework.
Him: No they didn’t.
Me: So you have absolutely no assignments at all this week?
Him: Well I do have one but it isn’t due until Friday.
Me: Ok well work on that some tonight, and then you can watch TV.
30 minutes later.
Him: I got started on Fridays work, now can I watch TV.
Me: Are you sure you don’t have any homework at all to do tonight.
Him: Well I do have some reading to do but that isn’t homework.
Me: What about math?
Him: I just have a study sheet but that isn’t homework.
Me: Show it to me.
He shows me a full page of math “study” problems.
Me: Aren’t these homework?
Him: No they are just practice problems.
Me: So they are not graded?
Him: No they aren’t. She only looks to make sure we did them.
Me: And there is no grade given?
Him: Well we only get a pass or fail but she doesn’t actually grade them.
And the discussion went on and on and in the end, there was work to be done in all subjects, but it wasn’t in his eyes, “homework”. His brain was obviously having an out of body experience. It was taken by aliens.
Now let’s fast forward to last night which is less than 6 months later. The same son comes home from school and hands us this piece of paper and says: Oh, they gave me this at school today, just like it was nothing.
See they do give the brains back so parents don’t be alarmed.
^5 Son on the award.
Have a great day,