Thursday, August 21, 2008

Why I don't like the Olympics

Ok you probably think that it just boils down to jealousy but I do have other reasons for not watching the Olympics. I could go into the usual reasons like politics, boycotts, steroid use, waste, or child competition but I won’t. In my opinion those are reasons enough but I feel that they only mask the true reason I don’t like the Olympics. Although I have many reasons I also have many solutions. Like I tell people that work for me. Don’t come to me with a problem unless you also have a solution. Let me cover the problems first.

They are way too competitive.

I mean what happened to the “games” part? Aren’t they supposed to be Olympic “Games”? Games are supposed to be fun. Look it up, you will see that fun is in the definition. Here it is. Game: An activity that people participate in, together or on their own, for fun. I see that they have added some other definitions that left out the word “fun”. I am not surprised. The Olympics are no more fun that T-ball is to a little kid. It is all about parental competition these days and isn’t that what life should be about? Not in my book.

The athletes are too greedy.

These days, everyone that participates in children’s sports gets an award. It isn’t that way with the Olympics. Only the top three get anything. People are allowed to compete in as many events as they want and hog all the glory for themselves. Thousands and thousands of kids tried out for the Olympics yet we let one hot shot do all the events and grab all the glory. That smells like greed to me. Pick your best event. Give it your best and let someone else participate in the others. That’s fair.

Those medals are way too big.

The other morning I caught the news and they were putting the medals on the winners. I wasn’t watching the Olympics I was watching the news. As they put the gold medal on this little girl I saw a tear come to her eye. I think it was due to the excess weight in that huge metal. If we are going to let kids compete, we should come up with a junior sized medal. Small children=small medal. Big person=big medal.

Who came up with the list of “sports”?

We need to standardize what we call an Olympic sport. From the research I did, I found out that every year we add a few more sports onto the list. Of course every country wants to win more medals so they add things on that their countrymen will do well at. For instance, the Americans added Beach Volleyball. Why not, we have more beaches so we knew we could kick butt in that sport. Of course the Chinese added ping pong and sumo wrestling but that is a no-brainer. India isn’t doing well in the Olympics but that is because there isn’t an event called “Starving”. We need to decide on a list of Olympic games and stick with it. Bring back the Tug-O-War.

My solutions:

First off we need to bring the Olympics back to America where it belongs. The Chinese did a good job but no one can commercialize an event like America. And not just in America either, but in the Deep South. Atalnta doesn’t count because it’s a big city. We need a great location that doesn’t need a lot of fixing up. I offer you the perfect location for the 2016 Olympics….

The Okefenokee Swamp.

Now before you say no way, let me go over the positive aspects of the location. First off we won’t need to build any fancy swimming pool that has tiny bubbles to enhance the swimming. We simply take the swimmers back in the swamp and drop them off. First one back to the boat landing is the winner. I am sure we would set new records once those swimmers start feeling all those critters in the water like leaches, crawdads and snakes. Of course there will be a penalty for slow swimmers…..Gator bait. There will only be one swimming competition. If you want to swim again after the first time, you are on your own.

There is ample free parking. No need to spend tons of money on a fancy parking garage, just park beside the road in the first available spot. Of course some people may have to walk a long way to see anything. But then in the south it is permissible to watch the events from the roof of your car. Please yield to runners in the road. They may already be competing.

We in the south believe everyone who participates is a winner. So to make sure everyone wins, all contestants will be guaranteed a medal. In addition to the usual; Gold, Silver and Bronze medals we will give the remainder of the contestants the coveted “Aluminum” medal. Check out these beauties.

Now for the best part.

Since it is the southern Olimpics, we will add on a few new events. The first added event will be the Men’s Hog Wrestling. I figure some local guy will have this one in the bag but who knows. Since it isn’t lady like to wrestle a pig, we will also offer the Women’s Mud Wrestling completion for the ladies. To go along with these events there will be beer and pork rinds served as refreshments.

Another event we would like to add is the Catfish Grabbin or “Noodling” competition. Although this is traditionally a man’s sport, we will be opening it to the ladies. I do suggest that any of you ladies who plan on participating wear something a little more substantial than the outfits worn by the Beach Volleyball team. It can get a little rough out there in the swamp and we want to keep this rated “G”.

Nothing spells southern competition like a pie eating contest. I know there will be some protests over this one so we will be offering an alternate competition for some picky eaters. First off it will be a hands behind the back, every man/woman for himself/herself cherry pie eat to the finish. Our judges realized that eating like this may not be fair for those trying to stay slim so we will offer an alternative bird seed eating contest to the gymnasts who want to try their hand at eating.

We will also be modifying some of the events. We will change the balancing beam with a log rolling competition. Floor exercises will be replaced with the fire ant stomping competition. The high dive will be replaced with the rope swing into the swamp event. And for the opening event we will have an old time parade lead by the Shiners’ and featuring the watermelon king and queen.

So start making your plans now to attend the 2016 Olympics in Southern Georgia. I am offering to serve on the Olympic committee so help make this dream a reality. If you are interested in helping, just email me. Donations will be accepted.

Have a wonderful day,


Marjie said...

Gawd, this made me laugh. The first time I heard of catfish wrastlin', my son came home with stories about it from Clemson. The Okeefenokee Swamp, eh? Don't'cha get a gold medal just for surviving the swamp?

Lori said...

I almost thought I had the wrong blog. You changed right?

We don't have outside T.v. but I think I would prefer your olympics in 2016,

Janice Thomson said...

Greg you are a hoot - this was just hilarious!

Wanda said...

You have the humor and wit of a Mark Twain... Oh I thought this was one of your best yet.

By the way, I can see the resimulance in my sister's cats and yours.

Marie Reed said...

Greeeeeg!I read your post 4 times. You are a wonderful nut! I love the South! Ahhhh...memories....

Sandi McBride said...

Okay, so when did Jeff Foxworthy appoint you Knight Comic? LOL...these olimpics I would watch...I don't like the summer games because I'm out in my gardens working what little butt I have left off...I'm now growing my own Lotus Plants from seeds we, picked up at far, they're growing well and when they are big guys, gonna put em in my pond...Cookie Monster, huh? Yeah, I can see that, Greg...really, I can!

Patience said...

I don't like the Olympics because I've been obsessed with some of the events to the point that I'm get no sleep! I'm up at 5:00 a.m. to stagger in to work, then home in front of the t.v. Can't miss another Phelps medal! Can't miss the Nastia and Shawn show! Love the sand volleyball.

But, I'm dying here. I must get some sleep!!!

Oh, but I'll definitely be at your place in 2016!

Patience said...

Oh, and thanks for stopping by my place!

Katherine Aucoin said...

Your Olimpics are way more entertasining. Only you could find such humor in re-vamping the Olympics.

Lori said...

The Olympics in the Okefenokee swamp...well, that's an interesting idea! You come up with the funniest things to say Greg!

Wayfaring Wanderer said...

That is the biggest catfish I have ever seen!

Kristen said...

I was having a stressful morning and then I read this! You are too funny, Greg! :-)

My mom and stepdad were joking that someday there will an Olympic text-messaging event. LOL.

USAincognito said...

hahaha!! Too funny!!

Jeannie said...

Nice to see your comment over at my place! And I believe it's only 92% of statistics are made up on the spot.

I also don't watch the Olympics. When you get down to milliseconds in races, I'd say ALL the competitors are damn good. And it may simply boil down to whether breakfast agreed with the athlete. Another day or hour, a different result.

It also isn't quite fair. Small or poor countries don't have the resources or great selection for athletes.

I'm in for the mud wrestling in the Southern Olympics - as long as it's not a gator...

Kati said...

ROFL Sounds like a definite interesting time, Greg!

Scarlet said...

LOL - Although I live in South Florida, I imagine it doesn't get more "southern" than these Olympics of yours. Wow! You need your own reality show.

Susan Kelly Skitt said...

LOL! That swamp looks de-lightful :)

I don't know there Greg, I'm a bit competitive so I think only the best should get the gold. (smile)

While I'm all for little kids getting recognized on their sports teams, when the grow up they need to get a grip if they don't make the cut. They can always join the chess club or find something else they're good at. (smile again)

Anyhow, I do believe those Southern Games sound interesting! Keep me posted! I'll tune in! (smile again)

Celticspirit said...

Thanks for the laugh! Your Olympics sounds a lot more fun than the real one. :)

Jamie Dawn said...

I'll attend your Olympics!! I love the south!!!!

I'm a fan of the "real" Olympics though. My favorite sports to watch are gymnastics and volleyball, beach and regular. I watched nearly all of Phelps' medal swims, and I was so excited for him. It's amazing what he accomplished.
I don't mind competition, but I also like fun, so that's why I LOVE your Olympics!!!!

Thanks for a good chuckle!

Sandy said...

Oh wow, I couldn't stop laughing...this was hilarious and you put perfect photos up to illustrate it, hahahahahah.


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