The legend of Flat Stanley (A Horror Story)

There are a few things in life that upset me: Spiders, rude people, unruly children and spilling my coffee to name a few. But nothing gets my blood boiling faster than hearing the name Flat Stanley. On the surface, Stanley sounds like something innocent, but I am here to tell you that he is evil and has the power to tear your family apart.





Flat Stanley was the brain child Dale Hubert, a third grade teacher from Ontario Canada. Back in 1995, he decided to start this project to inflict pain on unsuspecting parents and students as well. The concept is simple: You take a picture of Flat Stanley and decorate it. Then you cut it out and there you have it….Flat Stanley. Then you send it to other people and they take stupid photos of them with Stanley or you take him on vacation with you in order to ruin your vacation and Dale should be shot or better yet put in a pot of boiling oil and slowly fried and tortured and and and Ha Ha….Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha….Whahahahahahahahaha

Sorry this happens every time I start to talk about Flat Stanley. I’m ok, really I am. So where was I. Oh yes….. The legend of Flat Stanley.

It all started on a warm spring afternoon. It was the last day of school before spring break and my wife went to pick up our youngest son. She parked the car and waited for our son to exit the building and he soon did. As usual, he broke into a run towards the car as soon as he left the school property. He hated that school and the people in it but that is another story for another day. As he got into the car, my wife made the statement; Yea, 5 whole days with no school and no homework, I know you are happy. Our son said, yes, but I do have to do this Flat Stanley Project and he handed the folder to my wife. Inside was a cutout of Flat Stanley and some instructions for completing the project. It sounded simple enough. Take Stanley with you during the break and take photos of your family with him. I guess Stanley is on his way to Orlando Florida. (Insert thunder sound here)

The next morning, bright and early, we headed out on vacation to sunny Florida. It was just my wife and I, our two boys and oh yea, Stanley. What could possibly go wrong? (Insert thunder sound again) We made it to our first stop which was Shoney’s for lunch. Everything was going just fine. We had our lunch and then decided to take our first family photo with Stanley. I managed to take a quick photo without anyone seeing much to my relief. Then it was time for everyone to take a quick bathroom break before hitting the road again. Soon we were back in the car and ready to head out but someone was missing. Stanley was missing and we all ran back in and franticly hunted for him. Turns out he was in the car and had slid under some paperwork. Whew that was a close one.

The rest of the trip down was very slow. There were traffic jams and detours and we arrived late, tired and aching. Stanly had a few mishaps including a near brush with death when a coke was spilled on him and he accidently got folded in half. We were able to straighten him out and dry him though so not all was lost. We all just went to bed early, tired and aggravated.

Day one of our vacation started and all was well. We were heading to Wet and Wild so Stanley couldn’t come along. Paper and water just don’t mix. So my son and I got up early and took some photos of Stanley in front of the Wet and Wild sign then we returned him to our hotel room. We stayed at the park until noon then went back to our hotel room to eat and visit with Stanley. We spent the afternoon back at the water park and tried to come up with other photo opportunities for our little friend. By the end of the day, I had heard enough about Stanley and if our son hadn’t needed a good grade on the project, we would have simply tossed him in a trash can. Not to worry though, we had enough photos for that day so we concentrated on dinner and forgetting about our little friend.

Everyone wanted something different so I got some fast food for my wife and youngest son and my oldest and I decided to go out to dinner. We both like Japanese and there was a restaurant just down the street so that is where we decided to go. There is nothing like a Japanese steakhouse to take your mind off your problems. Well we got seated with a family with young children and they were unruly throughout dinner so no relaxation there. I ordered some Saki to try and help me forget. Just when I thought everything was going to be ok, I heard some commotion at the next table. They were all moving to one side of their table to pose for a family photo. Everyone was smiling and happy and that’s when I heard the small child speak. “Wait, we have to get Stanley in the photo.” They were doing it too. I spewed Saki from my nose and I left the restaurant in a really bad mood. Enough is enough I thought

The next day we headed for Wonder Works because my son wanted to go there. The entrance takes you through a dark spinning room and my wife immediately got an attack of Vertigo. Inside, she had to sit while the kids played and I took photos of Stanley including one on a bed of nails. After she was feeling better and the kids were bored, we headed out to find something else to do. Next door was a putt putt golf course so we decided to do that. We all had a great time until we got to the end and you know who was missing. It was beginning to rain and we all ran around like mad men looking for Stanley. We finally found him just as the bottom fell out and we all ran soaking wet and angry under a covered area. My wife and I began to argue and soon we were shouting and the kids were crying. Stanley just lay there with that stupid smile on his face knowing that he had successfully ruined another family vacation. After cooling off and calming down, we decided to head back to the hotel and rest a while.

As we waited for the shuttle bus to arrive, evil thoughts began to run through my mind. I thought about bringing Stanley back to Wonder Works and this time impaling him on that bed of nails. I thought about matches and paper shredders and I even thought about letting the tram run over him just so he could have tire marks on his body. It would be a sign of defiance to the teacher. But no, we refrained from such violence and decided to put Stanley back in the car. His vacation was over and he spent the rest of the day cooking in the car because it was so hot outside.

Well we finished the project and after paying 30 dollars to have the film developed, our son got a C on the project. It really didn’t matter at that point. At least the horror was over for us. We took Stanley out back for one last adventure and as we put the match to his little feet and watched him go up in smoke, we realized that life is too short to spend a vacation with Stanley. So if you are ever told to do the Flat Stanley Project, make sure and put up a good fight. It would be better to take ticks on vacation than Stanley!

Now for any of you that are stuck with the project and have to send Stanley to friends or relatives, here is a form letter you can use:

Dear (insert name)
You are receiving this letter because you are the only one that I thought would be gullible enough to go through with it or I just hate you. (You decide which it is). Anyway, here is what you have to do. Take a bunch of stupid photos with this stupid character and then spend a fortune getting the photos developed and send them to me with Stanley. My Child’s education depends on it. But don’t let that influence your decision to do this or not. In case you are wondering, there is no official scoring method but here is what I know about the grading scale:

Photos with Stanley in the Bathroom = F (too nasty)
Photos with Stanley in cheesy family poses = D (been done a million times)
Photos with Stanley ruining a vacation = C (You are a sucker like me)
Photos of Stanley with a celebrity = B (And it better be someone big, see Buzz below)

But we are hoping for an A so here are the options we want you to choose from:
Photo of Stanley with a pr*stitute (in a compromising position gets an A+)
Photo of Stanley at a funeral (inside the casket with the deceased gets an A+)
Photo of Stanley in Mars (with a Martian gets an A+)

Please pick one of the above three choices and hurry, Time is running out.

Thanks,
Your ex friend (Insert Your Name)

Have a great day,
Greg

PS, For more information on the subject, Google “Flat Stanley Project”. If you dare. Wahahahah.

PPS. This post was my son's idea so blame him if it is too long