Sunday, April 18, 2010

Flea Market Report

You know sometimes you have to rack your brain for something to blog about and other times life just throws you an across the plate pitch and all you have to do is swing to get a home run. This was one of those cases. Now before I get started, let me warn you. This post is not suitable for young children so if there are any around have them leave the room now. And If you happen to have one of those little air sickness bags handy, you may want to get it out and have it ready……

We still have way too many day lilies so I made another trip to the Ladson Flea Market. (Insert thunder sound track) My day started off badly when I woke up at 330 with a mild case of vertigo. My allergies had kicked up so I was spinning just a bit. I wasn’t able to get back to sleep so I got up at 445 anyway and got ready to go. I was able to get a great spot though and I thought; Wow it’s going to be a great day.

Around 8 came the daily gangsta parade with the leader planning one of my favorite songs. It goes something like this: I’m a bad Blanking blanker and I got a blanking blank at home and I blank her and I don’t mind if she knows I’m a blanking blanker. And this guy was playing this song so loud you could hear it two blocks away. Yes I have that one on my IPOD….NOT!!! But that’s a whole different story so let me get to the point. Shortly after the parade a couple pulled into the spot beside me.

Now this was no ordinary couple. Picture this: Larry the cable guy meets Aunt Bea( from Andy Griffith). I kid you not, she looked just like Aunt Bea. When they had their table ready to go, I dropped by to see what they had. It was an assortment of junk like I have never seen. There was a little of this and a little of that and not a whole lot of anything. The guy introduced himself and I could immediately tell they were first class. First off he had on a camouflaged t-shirt with only a few holes in it. Then he had on a nascar ball cap but the thing that set him apart from the average man was the huge wad of chew in his cheek. I mean it looked like he had a golf ball logged in his jaw. It was amazing.

So the whole time we are talking he has brown drool running out of the corners of his mouth all the way down to his chin. It was a sight to see and it was all I could do not to throw up. Then Aunt Bea smiles and I realize she only has two teeth and they are kind of brown. But other than that, she does look just like Aunt Bea. Well the day went on and every time Aunt Bea went for a walk, Larry came over to visit. I guess he liked my company. About the third time he came over he brought along some crackers and a soda and proceeded to eat them without taking the huge wad of chew out of his mouth. Again I had to fight the urge to throw up.

While he was talking to me he kept trying to get my attention by poking me in the arm and saying things like “Hey Bo listen to this.” I was listening but I couldn’t make eye contact for fear if seeing more goo dripping out of his mouth. But being the kind of person I am, I tried not to judge these two people so I didn’t say anything and looked away whenever he came by. But then it happened:

I was sitting there minding my own business when a customer approached their table. He began looking through a box of tapes that they had. He didn’t find anything he was interested in and then Aunt Bea spoke up; We got some adult movies too if you want to see em. And that’s’ the point when I threw up in my mouth just a bit. I am sorry, I can only take so much. Just the thought of those two sitting at home watching porn was too much to handle.

One other funny thing that happened was when Larry came over and asked; Did you grow them plants? I wanted to say, no I stole them, here’s your sign. But in the end I sold a lot of day lilies and that is a good thing. During the day, though a lady came up to look at my plants. She had on a pair of the tightest jeans I have ever seen. As she left my table she dropped something and bent over to get it and I wondered if they were going to give way. There on the back of her jeans (which were four sizes too small) was the word “Guess” and without thinking, the number 275 popped into my head. Sorry it was a long day.

Have a great one,
Greg

10 comments:

Kelly Combs said...

Greg - I literally laughed out loud on this one and my husband said "what's so funny?" 275!!! wahahahaha!!! Oh Greg. You slay me.

You can tell a good story. Thanks for the big chuckle!!!!

Jewel said...

hahaha. What a story! What a day! WHAT A COUPLE! Wow. Good story. :)

lailani said...

lol! A long day for you but a truly funny story to read. You could probably begin collecting all the sites you see at market and compile them into a very funny book. The next Lewis Grizzard :)

Wanda said...

Oh my sides are hurting...I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

You wit is just tooooooo sharp!! Guess...275 I died when I read that.ha ha ha ha ha ha.....


Greg, don't ever stop posting!!!!!

Rusty said...

Howling with great glee! It sure takes all types. Now if only there were some photos.
Rusty

Heckety said...

I nearly fell off the chair laughing at this- you sure tell a good story, even though it's not really funny at all...I'm glad you sold some of your daylillies too- guess that was the icing on the cake- or the flower on the plant!
Your allergies sound exceedingly annoying and even interfering with your life. That's a real pain for you.

The Bug said...

I was going to use the analogy that the good drug dealers never use their own stuff, so that you could rest easy about the couple watching their videos. But who's to say that they're GOOD porn peddlers? Sorry!

Beth.. One Blessed Nana said...

Thanks for my entertainment of the day! This was so funny and I just cracked up at the "275" - but then I felt guilty for laughing....

Chantel said...

Flea market wonders will never cease--just be grateful it wasn't porn STARRING Larry & Aunt Bea....

Wandering through blogland and stumbled in--thanks for the laugh!

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