Some of us go our whole lives devoted to a cause, trying to be the best at what we do. For some it is an uphill battle all the way while for others it comes quite easy and naturally. It’s like they were born with a “gift.” The goal is to be the best, the first or the top in whatever we have chosen as our life’s ambition. On rare occasions when we know we can’t be the best we opt for being the worst just to get some notoriety. For some it may be sports, for others it is business but for me, its allergies. Yes I think I have the worst allergies on the planet and I will argue with anyone who disagrees. I argue a lot when I am like this. Just ask my family.
Nothing irks me more than to hear someone with mild allergies complaining about how bad they have it. It never fails if I mention that I am suffering, some hypochondriac will chime in wanting to get a piece of the action; “Oh I know what you mean. They are really bad this year. I had to take a Claritin twice last week.” You make me laugh. That’s right, I want to laugh in their face and say something like; Allergies. You have no idea what allergies are. But then I was once like they are and thought I had it bad back then as well.
So I decided that perhaps some of you out there are in the same boat and think you have bad allergies. I am sorry to tell you this but it will only get worse. You have no idea what it will be like one day so to clue you in, I have come up with the top 10 signs that you have bad allergies. And here they are:
While brushing your teeth you have wondered if it might feel good to brush your itchy eyes. And you have an electric tooth brush.
Death Valley sounds like a nice place to live since there are no trees or grass there.
Your favorite snack is vinegar and salt potato chips because you discovered that if you eat them whole they feel really good as they scratch their way down your throat.
You change the words to every song you hear to make them all about allergies or pollen.
“I like dreamin, cause dreamin can make you mine” becomes “I hate pollen, cause pollen can make you sick”
“go on take the money and run” becomes “go on take the pollen and run”
“in the day we sweat it out on the streets of a runaway American dream” becomes “in the day we sweat it out on the streets of another allergy attack”
You get the picture
The first thing you say when you wake up in the morning is; It’s going to be a great(sneeze,cough,blow), oh God not again, (sneeze,cough,blow),why me Lord?
You have ever rubbed jalapeño juice in your eyes by mistake and thought; hey that feels pretty good.
You feel so bad you wouldn’t even wish this on your worst enemy. And you have wished some pretty bad things on them in the past.
You have ever sat down and done the math to see if it is possible become dehydrated from blowing your nose. Eventually you have to run out of body fluid according to my calculations.
You have considered committing suicide because the thought of eternally burning in hell sounds like a step up from how you feel at the moment. (Not really but it has been close a couple of times.)
And the # 1 sign that you have bad allergies is;
Whenever you hear about a forest fire you laugh out loud uncontrollably and shout burn baby burn, pollen inferno. (another song for #7)
Have a nice allergy free day,
As an added note, The weather channel said this was the worst year for allergies in about 10 years but they also said the worst is behind us now. I hope for once they are right,