Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Giant Spider Invasion (there back!!!)


Ok who remembers that movie? Did anyone other than me see it? It was back in 1975. It was about alien spiders that attack the earth. Fortunately their attack is foiled by a heroic policeman and his trusty scientist friend. The policeman was played by a very fine actor Alan Hale Jr. of Gilligan’s Island fame. You know….The skipper. And his scientist friend was played by Barbara Hale, who is known as the scream queen from the Perry Mason episodes. With an all star lineup like that, how could they go wrong? I really don’t know why this film didn’t win an Oscar. Anyway…..

This morning on my way to work, I had my eyes peeled for deer. I wasn’t about to let one of those crafty critters attack my car again. I did see a few but they know me now as the deer bumper so they stayed well clear. So I am driving under the nice big oak trees that line our road when I see it. It’s about the biggest spider I have ever seen and it is dangling by a web. I am guessing it is about 4” long. As it is hanging there, I drive into it and it makes a big thump as it hits the window. No bug guts, just a big thump. I thought my window would shatter but it didn’t. I am telling you this thing was huge and it reminded me of that movie.

So now I am continuing to drive and I start to wonder if that thing went back up in the tree after I hit it or is it attached to the roof of my car, just waiting for me to step out so it can attack my neck and leave fang marks like a vampire. Did I mention that I hate spiders? So I begin freaking out and looking at the windows for any sign that the 6” spider is out there. I slow down a bit and then make sure all the windows are rolled up tight. I turn off the AC so that it doesn’t suck the 10” spider inside. Pretty smart thinking on my part. I am concentrating so hard on this 15” spider that a deer steps out and I almost hit it. To me that would be better than being attacked by a 20” spider.

Well I don’t see any sign of him but I know he may still be on top of my car. Finally I arrive at the gym and it is time to make a break for it. I crack the door open then immediately slam it. I was hoping to fake out the 25” spider and make him show himself. Nothing happens. So I swing the door open and jump from the car. After I am away about 10 feet I turn to make sure he isn’t following me. I am guessing that he went back up into that tree but I am not letting my guard down. I know that one day soon he will again try to attack me and this time I will be ready. I am thinking of getting a concealed weapons permit so I can have a gun in my car when he does attack me again.

You see most people would think it was a coincidence that this spider fell on my car but not me. I know better. Spiders are evil and this one is out to get me. They know I don’t like them and they don’t care for me either. As I see it, it is me or the spider and I will win this battle. Ok maybe I lost the battle but I will win the war. Did I mention that I am afraid of spiders? I am more afraid of spiders than I am of the Lizard Man. Oh I need to tell you about the Lizard Man sometime.

Have a great day,
Greg

26 comments:

Chatty Kelly said...

Well, I don't blame you...if a 30" spider was after me, I'd run too! I am terrified of bugs in general. That is why I have a secret crush on my Orkin Man. He is THE BEST. He sprays his magic spray all over the house - and tada - no bugs. I heart him.
(Don't tell anyone.) *grin*

Of course with all of your gym visits, I think you could take on the Spider and squash him like a bug. (Oh, yeah, that pun was intended).

Chatty Kelly said...

p.s. Happy Birthday to your son! It is wonderful we are breaking the mold of oru parents. Thanks for your encouraging words yesterday.

My ADHD Me said...

That 40 inch spider is right behind you!!! RUN!!!!

BTW, I think that movie rates up there with Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!

Carmen Gamble said...

I laughed all the way through this one. I soooo relate! I hate spiders too, and up here we have black widows! (Thank goodness they're not 25" big ;)...but they do like to hang around the house...usually by a door). They know their time is limited...that's why they wear red egg timers on their bellies. That is also why I hope one of my sons is always home. Blech...I hate spiders!

Katherine Aucoin said...

Oh I hate driving and imagining what may or may not be on my car or under my car.

So what happened when you got out of your car? I bet is was only a little bird poop. ;-)

Jenny said...

I once had the same incident, but it was a snake. I ran over a rattlesnake and worked myself up thinking it had wound around my tire. When I got to my location I blew the horn for someone to come out and make sure he wasn't still under my car before I got out:)

Kristen said...

I can totally relate! I swear spiders hold grudges and communicate to their fellow spiders. It seems like every time I smush a spider, an identical spider is in the exact same place the next day, staring me down, waiting for me to look away so it can attack me and take his revenge for his fallen brother spider.

Patrice said...

Maybe the four foot spider and the eight point deer are working together!! Think about it, your mind on the six foot spider and not the the 10 point deer that was trying to total your car.......better yet, maybe the 12 point buck was going to crash your car and when you got out the 12 foot spider was going to eat you!!

That's it!! I have it all figured out!!

Monogram Queen said...

I am sitting here just chuckling at you - you NUT! The paranoia about 'where did the spider go'?
OMG sounds just.like.me Spookily like me. Seriously!
BUT my money is on you, dear Greg, you are - after all, the Deer Bumper!

Debbie @Like a Rose said...

I hate spiders too and especially ones like yours. I think I him once (he's the 15 foot one, right?) on Gilligan's Island. Had nightmares for weeks after that.

We live in the woods so this time of year starts the official spider count. If anyone sees a spider inside the house that is the size of a quarter or larger they draw it on the message board. When we get to three, they've struck out and I call the exterminator-my favorite superhero!

Suzanne Casamento said...

Hee hee hee. Oh, you're making me giggle. And it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. So that says a lot.

But really, how big was the spider?

B His Girl said...

I missed that movie on purpose. It's a snake sequel I am worried about. B

janice_phil said...

wow!!! awesome!!! great story..great post and what a great blog????

Darla said...

do tell us about the lizard man, i hate spiders too, but it seemed that when i was really afraid of them, they were always showing up! now that i'm not so afraid, they don't come around much. so i do believe that they know who they're going after.

ChrisJ said...

Hilarious! But I'm with you all the way. I DO NOT like spiders -- of any size. I think I would have done just what you did. Yuck -- it makes me shudder to just think of it. Now I'll probably have nightmares. That's what happens if you do your blogger comments late at night.

Angie said...

Oh Greg, you crack me up. You probably don't want to hear how I picked up a tarantula crawling on my front porch (with garden gloves) and put it in a cage for my little boy to see.

Sharon said...

Hahahahaha I Loved how that spider grew! I don't like spider's either. They give me the willies!
Especially those ones that jump, ewwwwwww.
This really had me laughing, loved how you wrote this.
Great share
Hugggsss

Terri Tiffany said...

LOL! Good thing you don't live back here in Florida with the huge ones we have! Thanks for a good laugh this morning! I can deal with spiders but get me near a lizard and I freak any day!

Debbie said...

Spiders are evil. Oh so evil. They freak me out.

Jamie Dawn said...

Be careful and don't be hitting any more deer. Being a deer bumper is not a good thing.
As for that hitonious 30" spider..
YIKES!!! YUCKY!!!!
I saw some huge spiders in webs that were above my head at a plantation in Charleston once. The webs went from tree to tree with those HUGE spiders on them. I took photos of them, and I was shaking with fear. I can feel your pain!

Edie said...

I'm so glad that 50" spider didn't get you Greg. I needed this laugh. WAHAHAHA!!

I had one of those spider try to get me once too. I walked into the garage from the house and opened the garage door and this HUGE 50" spider came running at me to attack me. I grabbed the wasp killer and sprayed and sprayed and sprayed. That was one tough spider but eventually he died.

Are you sure it was a deer you almost hit and not the 60" spider's mom?

Lori said...

hmmmm, "The Giant Spider Invasion" I would have been 11. For the life of me, I just don't remember that movie. Are you really afraid of spiders? I promise I'm not laughing at you but with you. "Giggle"

Wanda said...

Well, I certainly glad you are alive and well ~~ Loved the story as I sat on the edge of my chair.

My grandson is so afraid of spiders, so Grandma has to get everyone that come within a mile of him.....

If it were a snake...a different story!!!

Fun post, Greg

LOL:Wanda

Marla said...

I am not really afraid of spiders. One summer my hubby and I were driving down the highway. Pete had his window open and something hit the edge of the car by the open window. It burst open and thousands of teen, tiny spiders were all over the inside of the car. We were both freaking out. We had to pull the car over to battle with them. It was like horror movie. This is a true story!

Sandy said...

hahahah!! You provided some funny visuals...hahaha...

I can just see you jumping around and ...

well it was funny in my mind!!

somebody said...

酒店經紀人,菲梵酒店經紀,酒店經紀,禮服酒店上班,酒店小姐,便服酒店經紀,酒店打工,酒店寒假打工,酒店經紀,酒店經紀,專業酒店經紀,合法酒店經紀,酒店暑假打工,酒店兼職,便服酒店工作,酒店打工經紀,制服酒店經紀,專業酒店經紀,合法酒店經紀,酒店暑假打工,酒店兼職,便服酒店工作,酒店打工,酒店經紀,制服酒店經紀,酒店經紀