Friday, August 21, 2009
The Secret to my happiness
When I was young, one of my mother’s favorite things to do was to lock herself in her bedroom and threaten to kill herself. She did this when she was depressed and wanted to “get back” at my father for one thing or another. She suffered from depression a lot. I can still hear her saying “I have a gun and I am going to shoot myself.” (My father kept a loaded handgun in his bedroom because he was a special policeman and we knew it) She would continue despite our crying and pleading until one of us called my father at work and got him to come home. A fight always followed.
Many times I found myself praying to God to take me away from that place and relieve my pain but He never did. So eventually I gave up on praying and I gave up on God. I reasoned; why pray if He never answers and if He doesn’t answer my prayers then He must not exist. I have always had an analytical mind so that made since.
When I was 18, I joined the Navy to “See the world” but I really just wanted to get away. So I left home in search of Happiness. I knew that there must be happy people out there somewhere in this big old world. I was determined to find them and I did. Over the next 30+ years I met some really happy people but I found a lot of unhappy people as well.
Some of those people on both sides had good reasons to be happy or unhappy. On the happy side were people who won the lottery, just got married, had great jobs, or simply had inner peace. On the unhappy side were people who’s misfortune had brought them down and for some reason they remained at that level. Many of these people had catastrophic events happen in their lives and they never recovered from them.
No my childhood wasn’t all bad but some of the events that happened were catastrophic especially for a small child. I could have remained in my dark corner like so many children do but I chose to climb out and rejoin the living. And over the years I realized that God was with me, he kept me safe and made me what I am today. Things could have been so much worse and I could have ended up a depressed or drug dependent like two of my siblings did.
So today when I walk around with a smile on my face, it’s because I know that even though my life isn’t always perfect, things could always be worse. I am happy because I want to be even though I could probably find reasons not to be. And I even though I am not perfect, God still loves me and always has. And that’s enough to keep a smile on my face. Now you know the rest of the story.
Have a Blessed day,