The Secret to my happiness
When I was young, one of my mother’s favorite things to do was to lock herself in her bedroom and threaten to kill herself. She did this when she was depressed and wanted to “get back” at my father for one thing or another. She suffered from depression a lot. I can still hear her saying “I have a gun and I am going to shoot myself.” (My father kept a loaded handgun in his bedroom because he was a special policeman and we knew it) She would continue despite our crying and pleading until one of us called my father at work and got him to come home. A fight always followed.
Many times I found myself praying to God to take me away from that place and relieve my pain but He never did. So eventually I gave up on praying and I gave up on God. I reasoned; why pray if He never answers and if He doesn’t answer my prayers then He must not exist. I have always had an analytical mind so that made since.
When I was 18, I joined the Navy to “See the world” but I really just wanted to get away. So I left home in search of Happiness. I knew that there must be happy people out there somewhere in this big old world. I was determined to find them and I did. Over the next 30+ years I met some really happy people but I found a lot of unhappy people as well.
Some of those people on both sides had good reasons to be happy or unhappy. On the happy side were people who won the lottery, just got married, had great jobs, or simply had inner peace. On the unhappy side were people who’s misfortune had brought them down and for some reason they remained at that level. Many of these people had catastrophic events happen in their lives and they never recovered from them.
No my childhood wasn’t all bad but some of the events that happened were catastrophic especially for a small child. I could have remained in my dark corner like so many children do but I chose to climb out and rejoin the living. And over the years I realized that God was with me, he kept me safe and made me what I am today. Things could have been so much worse and I could have ended up a depressed or drug dependent like two of my siblings did.
So today when I walk around with a smile on my face, it’s because I know that even though my life isn’t always perfect, things could always be worse. I am happy because I want to be even though I could probably find reasons not to be. And I even though I am not perfect, God still loves me and always has. And that’s enough to keep a smile on my face. Now you know the rest of the story.
Have a Blessed day,
Greg
Comments
I'm sorry your mom was that way, depression is an illness and hard to overcome without help. But your attitude is what makes the difference! Praise God that you found your way back!
It seems like no matter what difficulty we are in, there is always someone who is in a worse situation than we are.
That's where our choice comes in. We can choose to believe His words to be true, and claim His promises and take our thoughts captive for Christ (II Cor. 10:15) and base our happiness on that.
Of course, depression and stuff very often needs a medication to help because that is a physical condition that often needs a physical treatment.
My family doesn't blog or twitter either. Whenever our children got old enough to have a facebook, my hubby told them that they had to have a couple of grownups (like the youth pastor, a family friend, and hubby himself) as their "friend." So that's why hubby got a facebook, and I got one after him.
I only use twitter for my blog and I often will do two or three tweets in one day and then I'll go days without tweeting at all, lol!
As you and I have said on quite a few occasions, I am quite sure our mothers MUST have been from the same gene pool. (maybe they were each one of Sybil's alter personalities). I will say that your prayers were nicer than mine. After all the failed prayers of "Please make her better", my prayers changed to, "God, she is miserable. She makes everyone else miserable, she can be dangerous, perhaps...perhaps, since she says she wants to die so often, that maybe..." well, you know.
I especially felt this way after I moved out (at 17 years old, for probably the same type of reasons that you did) and my little sister, ET would call me scared and afraid and I would go and pick her up. I actually told my mother once, when I was about 18 years old, to go ahead and kill yourself. Just let me know ahead of time so I could get ET out of the house. I told her I would come back afterwards and take care of calling 911 etc. I will say that she never did tell me she was going to kill herself after that. (She still told everyone else though). Out of 4 kids, I was the first to walk away.
SO, I am glad you have happiness. I am very capable of it myself, just sometimes I forget.
Have a great day!
God continued to woo you back to himself...and I'm thankful you have that relationship, knowing He will never leave or forsake you!
You are a SPECIAL creation...you are the only you God ever and will ever make...you're written on his palms :)
In the book I am reading right now, Look Me in the Eye, the kid grows up in the very home you describe- mother suffers from depression, threatens suicide- dad has troubles. It is an autobiography about a boy who has aspergers, a mild form of autism. He grows up to be a successful businessman, but I don't know that he meets Jesus along the way- haven't read to the end, yet. But I know that is the only ending that really matters- that really makes a lasting difference in a life.
Thanks for the comments today. I actually just drove to Target and was thinking that writing for the Examiner must keep people pretty busy. I've been wanting to apply to write for the Examiner- just not sure what to examine.
That's an awesome testimony and this was a fantastic post!
Thanks for sharing.
You know what else? You asked God to take you away and to relieve you pain. Based on this post, I'd say you are away from that place, and your pain is relieved. So your prayers have been answered. Just not in the timeframe you wanted.
I wish God would have removed you & me & all the hurting children from these types of homes. We don't know why he allows it, but he does. We just have to keep believing. I am. I know you are too.
I would agree with you whole heartily that the reason so many people fall away from God is during those times when they honestly believed God didn't care about them, come when He was called, or even to protect the innocent lives from the harm people do to them.
The amazing gift that has come from all of this is you can look back and see just where God was in all of it. You have been given wisdom and insight and thus happiness followed suit.
I am so thankful I came across your blog. You share your personal stories so transparently and thus all of us can learn just a little bit more about what makes you, YOU!
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
I am right there with you Greg, we as society view our lives on things that have scarred us and left us wanting more. Instead of living life realizing that only God is in control. We nee to live through our good experiences and learn to just hit the delete button on the bad. I thkn men are more proned to think this way. My wife and I still have arduments and even fights from time to time. But, you have to look at the positive thing in life.
We live in a free country, without any governmetal rules over what we can and cannot do. Owning a home, drawing a salary and even driving a car means that we are the 5% of the worlds richest people. Others do not have anything, so this is why we have to be thankful for what we have.
Great Post today!
Steve
My belief in God began from logic too but opposite from yours. I didn't know if He existed so I asked Him. I figured if He did exist then He was certainly capable of telling me, and He did.
Hey I plan on getting that little package out tomorrow so keep your eyes peeled. Sorry for the delay, I was raising funds for that little red car. LOL.
Boy, I've missed reading here.
It must have been very difficult n you and your siblings, watching your mother be so out of control.
My son suffers from anxiety and depression. There were many many days of trying to find him help. Many many days and nights of watching him struggle. Today he is doing well and on medication that actually works for him.
I'm so happy that you can smile now and have found peace.
Awesome post Greg!!
:o)
Deb